The Only Way Out is Through
She who is brave is free.
Even in broken mirrors
she saw her worth.
One thousand little pieces
of self-reflection
reminding her how beautifully
she survived.
Birthdays are huge for me. I’ve never been the kind of woman that lies about or hides her age. On November 15, 2007 (which happens to also be my mom’s birthday), my life changed forever, and I survived what literally tried to kill me. I was 27 at the time, so that next birthday truly signified a “new beginning” for me (the number 8 signifies new beginnings). On my 28th birthday, I felt a gratitude for life that I had not held previously. And every year since, I have been increasingly more mindful of the gift of life and purpose.
In addition to my birthday, my rebirth survival date is the most significant day of each year. I typically spend that day reconnecting to myself, nourishing my mind, body & soul, enjoying the gifts of Mother Nature, and checking for areas that need more work—because there is always work to do on this healing journey. In the early years of this new lifestyle, I picked up marathon training, which served as a form of stress relief during my trial preparation. I carried this “therapy” alternative with me for more than a decade, with only a couple of years void of actual events due to runners’ injuries; a couple of my survival days were even spent completing endurance events.. I should mention that, by nature, I do not like running. But somehow running had come to me at the time I could find no escape from my thoughts and sleep almost always guaranteed a nightmare. Running somehow dissolved the cloudiness in my mind and replaced my fatigue with much-needed endorphins.
I ran my last marathon on March 8, 2020. It was a glorious accomplishment of redemption, despite not having had the level of training I preferred. I welcomed an atypical post-race fatigue and decided to put off any of my normal celebratory events until the next day. On the next day, however, the world shut down as I formally knew it. The Covid-19 pandemic and accompanying restrictions came in swiftly, like an elite marathoner. Like most people living alone, I had to quarantine at home with little to no human contact. I honestly relished this opportunity to reconnect to my personal goals, become more intentional with my healing journey, and even strengthen or rekindle connections that I found most valuable. By this time, I had an actual therapist so I was focused on doing the necessary healing work and had no excuse for not prioritizing my wellness. Running had almost completely lost its appeal to strength training on my balcony, and my nutrition was topnotch. I was achieving newfound, exciting personal fitness goals that I had not believed I was capable of. Everything was amazing until…
I read an article about another survivor who chose running as her therapy, but was forced to sit in lockdown—she uncovered that she was running away from her demons. In that instance, I recognized that I had been doing a similar thing for 12 years. At that moment, I knew that I must face my own…
With all the progress I had made in my healing journey with my therapist, I still felt a major gap in reclaiming my power and finding true healing. By summer 2020, I had only been back to Atlanta once after moving away in 2014 and, during my flight, I experienced a panic attack just at the thought of going back to the place of my trauma. I decided that I wanted to shift the trajectory of my healing by going back…to. where. it. all. took. place!! With the guidance of my therapist, we came up with a plan before, during, & after my incredible quest for freedom. Talk about easily being in the top 10% scary things I have ever done… & I told almost no one until I was past the point of no return. In full transparency, my first attempt failed… miserably. It was nightfall, & I got nervous. I couldn’t escape the fear of the unknown. I felt like a failure and honestly wanted to give up, but I had literally come so far. I cried myself to sleep, racking my brain on how to find the courage to try again. The next morning I decided to try again & summonsed up every ounce of bravery that I could muster. I caught a glimpse of a rainbow en route to my location, so I began to feel confidence brewing.
I first went back to the city, then the neighborhood, & finally the apartment community, itself. I retraced all of my steps, allowing every combination of emotions to wash over me. I forgave myself for years of self blame, poor decisions that didn’t honor my self worth, & escaping from my healing for so long. The grown, now 40-year old woman stepped back into the mind & heart of the 27-year old, embracing, consoling, and uplifting her. It was a beautiful “reunion,” & it left me feeling a calm that I never experienced before. I sealed my mission in prayer and opened my eyes to an indescribable lightness. Tears continued to flow down my face, but now they were tears of gratitude… after more than a decade, I TOOK MY POWER BACK!!
If I can do it, you can too!
-TRE
I don’t want to forget; I want to be ok with remembering. -riderek
